Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -- Buddha
This is the quote that occurred to me amidst some chaotic situation in the clinic of Dr. Devdas. I can feel someone is breaking my head into 1000 pieces. But still am able to think on what life is! So am alive. My inner conscience tells me am sick. Someone holding my hand and keep telling me "wake up girl. please! U have so much........", words are wispy. But those words just reaches my ears as a murmur. What happened to me? I tried opening my eyes. I couldn't even lift my eye-lids. It weighed more than a Kg. Am not able to hear anything, Couldn't even open my eyes, but how come I saw a prominent BUDDHA statue with that quote inscribed?Aaah! Am remembering things slowly! Am I regaining consciousness? If so, what happened to me? Am concentrating, focusing my mind to the present situation. Someone is cradling my hair.. Who could be that?? Who else will do this to me? Yeah, It should be my mom. I want to ask my mom what happened to me. She is going to tell me that everything will get fine. I can sense that am moaning out of pain, My hands and legs are twitching. "Aaah ma, It hurts me". I can feel someone is weeping near me. Faint sounds are again reaching my ears. Who is speaking with whom? Yeah, its my mom asking something to a male.. Who is he? Doctor or my dad.. The voice is very familiar to me. It is my dad, he is consoling my mother and sister! Oh she is weeping too. Now am able to place the piece of the missing puzzle properly. Something happened to me!!!
I am able to open my eyes, but they still weigh alot! Its my mom's face that confronted me first. I understood she was completely torn out! "ma, what happened to you, why you are crying?". My mom took me in her hands and gave a peck in my fore-head! Half of my pains went off just like that! "Mothers affection and love is the best remedy to any kind of disease/problem"- A quote that struck to me suddenly. I shook my head to bury those thoughts and substantiated the current upshots. My mom started telling me that my fever became very high and I was admitted in the hospital for the past two days. Those deadly words "you were unconscious for the past two days shruti", which was uttered by mom sent a chill across my spine.I muttered "Oh My God, My sir is not going to allow me to sing in the school's silver jubilee function. All my efforts went in vain. God, why did you do this to me?". My mom understood my intellections clearly and came to my side and soothed me by telling "Everything will be alright. Trust In God!". All those that happened before 72 hours, those stressful moments occupied my thoughts, This time it struck me harder than before. What happened before 72 hours was................
It was a dreadful Monday for me. When I woke up in the morning still fever was there for me. Actually I was suffering from typhoid for 2 weeks. Inspite of that I continued going to school, because I have to rehearse the song for the school's silver jubilee function. The singer who came to train us for the especial occasion was a playback singer who was trying to set his foot unwaveringly in the field of music then. He seemed very good to everyone including me before that awful mo! Students from sixth standard to eighth standard were garnered for a formal 'voice test' which was appraised by that singer(say Mr.X). The song which was given to us for the final event was "pibare rama rasam", a sadhashiva brahmendra krithi. Though I know the lyrics by then(note: I was in my sixth class), I was very keen in erudition of the nuances present in the song. That made me vibrant and I was very keen on getting selected. So I gave my best in the voice test. Mr.X told "Shruti, you are selected and you will be one of those last 10 who will learn the art of singing before those significant people. Keep it up. But you seem very dull and dismayed. What happened? Any problem". I replied "errr.. nothing much to worry sir. I can wield the situation". He looked at me, I sensed something was unusual in the way he looked at me. "Oh my God, he is staring at me. What made him to get wild on me?", I maundered myself. Those cold stares hit me again and told "what did I ask you and what you are replying me? Hardly you are...mmm...(refers to the sheet in his hand) 11 years old. It seems you are very chesty". I was completely outraged and taken aback with his response. I desperately wanted to convince him and retain my position in the final 10 (out of 145 who registered only 10 got selected and I was one of them).
I answered him "Am sorry sir. Am enduring from typhoid for the past 2 weeks. Am still having fever. So I appear soggy". He replied shortly, his voice devoid of any emotions, "Oh, so you won't be coming to the practice sessions regularly haan?hmmm..then am pushed to a situation to select an alternative for you. Am sure you cant sing in the function with typhoid...so..". I mussitated myself, "shruti you are not going to sing this time in function". It suddenly reminded me the adage 'a slip between the cup and the lip'. But somehow I wanted to persuade him, hence I told him "sir,I won absent myself for the classes and I have learnt this song in my music class". He smiled at last and gave me a green signal. After hearing to those words I wanted to jump in joy. But I sensed the fever racing up heavily and I couldn't stand. My legs started dwindling 'ma, it pains..I couldn't stand.. I feel like vomiting' aargh!! I shook my head vigorously to come to the present situation! My dad always tells me "you can do it and you will do it", whenever my spirits are low. I took those words to heart and followed sir to class. First session commenced at 10am. I saw the watch. 'Only one hour over,still 7 more hours', I shook off all those vexes from my mind and started rehearsing the song. Though he is a man, drained of all emotions, he was a very good teacher. He never forgot to appreciate genuine endowments.
I veritably needed a break and when the clock ticked 12, he told "Lunch break! all of you must come back to class at 12.45 and strictly no late comers children. Now go and tell your parents that you will stay back at school till 6pm". Something got struck in my throat and I felt difficult to swallow after hearing those words. I couldn't imagine myself practicing till 6pm. I waited till everyone left and approached him, "sir,err...hmmm... can I goto house by 4pm? am really sick and if I continue practice sessions beyond that I will surely miss classes tomorrow". He simply told without even looking at me"stay till 6pm or you can go off now itself. That's why I told you not to sing considering your health. But you were persuading me without even bothering about your health. And am very firm on my decisions". I went out and saw my mother waiting at the entrance of the school. I wanted to run away to her and lie on her lap and cry alot. I was heavily distressed. I sensed that my eyes are getting moistened the moment I saw my mom. But if I feel about my health my mom will whisk me from the school. So I smiled and went to my mom, though I smiled, my pale face and the heat radiating from my body will assure my mom about fever. My mom gave me lunch but I vomited everything. She told me "I know how much you were awaiting this program. But am very much concerned about your health. So please let me come and speak with your sir. I will train you in house....". But in return to that I consoled my mom and sent her home. I attended class till 6pm and came home. I washed my face and went to mirror and I couldn't believe my own eyes. My face was totally sunken. I was looking pale. I suddenly felt things appearing blurred for me. I came to the living room and sat near my mom and wanted to tell her all those happenings in school. But before I could do so my mom started scolding me about my obduracy and told my health condition is going to become worse and she took me to doctor at 8pm. The doctor examined me and told my immunity level is very less and if I go out I may easily prone to other diseases.hearing to that mom panicked. He gave some medicines and told me "Strictly no school shruti. If I hear that you are going to school tomorrow then you will be admitted in hospital". My mom saw doctor with a pleading look that he shouldn't utter that word of Getting Hospitalized. I came home and had a good sleep in night. I got up next morning only at 7 and to my horror found my condition has worsened. My mom said she won allow me to school and asked me to sleep. I cried and pleaded mom to allow me to school. Since I cried without break my fever still increased and my head started banging and I felt as if I someone had hit me hard in my back. My spine ached a lot and I felt as if the entire world is foundering on me. Suddenly everything blacked out for me. Am knowing am losing consciousness. I could hear someone tell "Shruti, wake up.. Hey what happened you. Shruti.... are you listen..ing.......",words fainted..
After two days i regained my consciousness and all these happening flashes across my mind like a movie. Am still thinking on something and someone suddenly stops the movie by asking me "shruti,how are you? How you are feeling now?". Oh, its the doctor, "hmmm..am feeling better doctor. But still my head aches. Things are appearing blurred.". He came near me, checked my pulse and told "You came to the safe zone now, now take rest fully and you can go home later this evening". I got discharged and i urged my mom to come along with me to school to meet Mr.X. My mom gave consent and came with me to school. After seeing us Mr.X got wild at us and started shouting at me. My mom tried her best to pacify him but he never allowed me to sing.
Inspite of my hapless health, i sang him the song. He listened to that and told that I had cracks in my voice and i didn't satisfy his requirements. I was completely dispirited and was sobbing continuously. Our school Vice-Principal saw me near the class and enquired my mom about my health and was telling her about that function. Padmashree. Dr. Kamalahaasan, was the judge for our school's sliver jubilee anniversary. After my VP told mom about the chief guest, i started weeping inconsolably. Then my VP asked me to follow to her cabin. She showed me a Certificate of Merit bearing my name in that. I saw her quizzically and immediately she told me that am getting the Academic Award(Cumulative Prize) for that year. My mom was very happy and she congratulated me for this. But i was completely detached to the befalling. I was pondering over all those happenings. My first Thought that occurred to me was "A great actor is coming, but how unlucky am! I couldn't showcase my talent!". My mom spoke as if she read all my thoughts "What is there if you cant sing? Even if you sing can he judge your individual talent? No is the answer. But you are going to receive prize from Him. Why don't you think like that?", Then i inferred the reality from her words and i solaced myself. During the function i received my prize from the guest of honour.
But till now the thing which keep musing me and the one which still makes me to cry at nights is "Why did Mr.X do that to me?". If he had allowed me to go house that day at 4pm i would have been better the next day. Even my mom would not have wept for 2 days. I would not have lost my consciousness. He wouldn't have done it intentionally. But if he had given a thought for a second about this, i would've sung in the function. Many of us do the same. But we don't agnize what we are doing, and as a result some are getting deceived. Are we true to our conscience? Through this blog am asking sorry to all who think i deceived them.
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge
So please forgive me. Unintentionally if i have ever scathed your inner scruples, Am asking apology from my heart. There goes a saying "An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. "
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